late nightt rambles...

well first off let me say iam typing this from my phone so please excuse any typos or any sort of madness that doesnt make sense. I was laying here thinking of upcoming thing in our life and how im going to cope and all these things. if you didn't know Kadens one year angelverssary(a stupid term that i learned from other grieving parents) is coming up on the 12th. a whole freaking year already. i never thought id make it. with that in mind i was contemplating how much i love my kids and had the thought how is it possible to love them both soooo much and yet be in so much pain??? i dont quiet understand that. i look @ lexie and my heart just smiles but then the back of my head says "man she reminds me of kaden, i miss him"i just don't get it!!! why does it have to be this way??i can close my eyes and so very easily picture kaden,his smile,hear his laugh and his scream. the other night i swear i heard him crying!! i know it wasnt lex cause she was asleep next to me, it was sooooo weird!!well its almost midnight..lex will be waking up soon to eat i am sure and luckily iam getting sleepy,maybe ill get some good sleep tonight? doubt it !! oh howi wish i could get a full night sleep!!*sigh* untill next time <3