"IF"

Andrew I and where talking the other day about life, how things changed & what not and I asked him if he ever thought about Lexie not making it. I know I do all the time. Though I may say "oh when lexie gets older" and thing like that I am always thinking "IF". I know it seems like kind of a shitty way to look at things but it is something that I think both Andrew and I think about. Let me try to explain. Neither of us ever thought we would loose Kaden, it's not something you go through life worrying about really. I think the day we lost him and the months after where a huge eye opener to just how precious life is. That no matter how you live your life (because Id like to think of me and andrew as pretty good people) That shit can and will happen beyond what you ever thought it could. I don't want to loose lexie and I think everyone knows that, it's just a realization that I had that not every day is a guarantee, that shit can and does go wrong and no matter what we do to prevent things it is GOD's will and we just have to let it be done no matter how F**ked up it is. I love lexie with all my heart and i think if I lost her, I wouldn't make it. I often think that she is the reason I kept myself so sane the past year. But I am rambling, back to the subject at hand. In the midst of our discussion I made the comment to Andrew that it sucked that we had to live everyday thinking "IF" this happens and "if" that happens. I don't know that "NORMAL" (and by normal I am talking about parents that have lost a child) parents don't really have that fear about their children. Sure watching me and andrew go through hell will make you sit back and think, but no one,unless they have been in our shoes will know the real pain of living each day thinking, "what if there is no tomorrow?" It is all too real to us that tomorrow may not come and that with everyday that passes we are truly grateful & blessed. Did any of this make sense? I am so not sure. Sometimes it's hard to put down the things that float through my head.