gone..but still here!

Yes,he's gone but in so many ways kaden is still here. He lives in so many peoples hearts and spirits and its my hope he will never be forgotten. Something I deal with on a daily basis is the question "is she your first?" Some days its hard and other days not! Of course I NEVER shy away from proudly peooclaiming I also have an almost two year old little boy. Although there is that little bit of hurt I could never answer yes and pretend he was never here. Today was a bit much, I went to wic & had to do a dumb class, they of course ask everyone what number child this is and all that of course I tell them about kaden, not that he has passed or anything though, I get into a conversation with the girl next to me who has a two month old and a toddler that was almost exactly a month older then kaden, she is going on and on about how tuff it is expecting me to sympathize and of course I swallow my pain and act like I know every thing she is going through, actually wishing I could relate to the sleepless nights with the two of them. I didn't tell her because 1. Welll I was just making conversation with the girl I didn't need to tell her my life story 2. How awkward is that? "Hi my name is sarah this is my daughter lexie and I have a son that's wouldve been 2 soon but he passed away?" I mean really I don't want to open that can of worms for myself either with the why's and explanation, even though I probably wouldn't have really explained it! I think of him everyday,morning,noon and night, it never ends, no matter what I am doing! I always see something that reminds me of him or a baby that llooks like him, or something lexie does that is just like him. Its never ending! I've noticed that since being on the zoloft I've had very few breakdowns. I guess its good but sometimes I feel bad for being ok, like I should be upset but I can't be! Its almost like a fake happy though,like a pill induced happiness! I guess that kinda sounds bad, I don't mean it to sound like iam not happy with lexie and andrew because I very much am, there's just a piece of me missing and it can kill the happiness in a split second when it comes out! I hope he is proud of me for continuing to live because he is the reason I am going! It sucks beyond believe that he is gone but I will keep on living forr him & I can only hope his mommy makes him proud!! I <3 you kaden!