The litle things...

"I held him for a little while, made plans to watch him grow. We played each waking moment so he’d know I loved him so. I cherish all the tiny things that went unnoticed then. A special bond between us grew my little one, my friend. A place of honor he will have in my heart and in my home. It gives me strength and peace to know that he is not alone. I know that Jesus holds him close and tends his every need. Our child is safe in heaven; he holds a noble place indeed."

We where at the mall the other day Andrew, Lexie and I. We where looking for shoes for Andrew and went into payless, we stopped to look at shoes for Lexie and there sat the first pair of shoes I bought Kaden. I said " look babe, Kaden's shoes!" Andrew replied " yea those are the ones he's wearing in that picture of him that you like so much!" Yea, they where my favorite, he looked so cute in them. Well we continued shopping no big deal. We got to the car to leave and go to the NEX and an overwhelming feeling hit me, I didn't know what it was but it was like a serious anxiety. It was hard to breath I felt like I could have started bawling any second, but I didn't really get why, so I just started taking deep breaths and tried to stay calm. I told Andrew what I was feeling and he of course offered to pull over and tried to get to the bottom of my feelings, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what I was feeling. All I knew was it was overwhelming. It stuck with me almost the whole rest of the night. I didn't dawn on me untill the next day that it was the shoes. It's those little things in life that seem to be smacking me in the face and making me miss him so much. I wasn't even really thinking about it, we went to get out of the car to go grocery shopping at Henrys and I told Andrew " ya know I think it was the shoes that set me off yesterday!" How silly that something so small and yet so relevant can bring on such strong feelings! I hate that I can't say "remember how cute he looked in these!" and be happy, it has to be a sad feeling. Sometimes the little things do make me smile, but Ive been finding lately that it's all going back to an overwhelming sense of pain. Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward in my grieving process just to take a few back.

Shoes...who would have thought they could have set me off like that. Today is def.
one of those days.. :\