Rain hurts...

yup weird huh! Sometimes I can stand it others I can't it is just one of those days where everything hurts. It was raining the night we lost him and I can remember driving to the hospital in the rain and just screaming and shaking. I think I knew things weren't going to be okay when I sat in the triage room at hemet hospital. I just had a feeling. I hate myself for even giving it a thought before I knew for sure. I hate that I attempted to leave him to get "fresh air", He needed me, maybe if I had stayed he would have felt my presence and known that me and daddy where there and maybe he would have fought harder. I blame myself. I should have fought harder for him when he needed me. When am I ever going to feel like a good mom again? UGH I hate this feeling!!

I was looking through some peoples pictures on FB and I saw pictures of big brothers feeding their younger siblings and it just about broke my heart. Why don't we get to see that? Why does Lexie have to grow up not knowing her big brother except for through pictures? Why can't he get the chance to be there for her, to teach her silly things and to threaten to beat up boys when they look at her?! I don't get it and I never will, why does my family have to suffer? Why doesn't my little girl get her big brother? I wish I could have pictures of them cuddling together, and being silly together, instead I have to compare what he was and what we had. I hate that my life has to be filled with sadness and pain in moments where I should be happy. I just want to be happy all the time without the thought of guilt or hurt or wishing he could just be here.