I dont wanna close them...

Tonight i was sitting in the bath reading some posts on my cafemom greiving mothers website, it was about regrets, what do you regret about he dyay your child passed or things like that. After reading the feelings of other mothers, feelings i knew all so well i set my phone down and proceeded to wash my face, i suppose hoping to wash away my building pain as well. I closed my eyes and there it was the worst vision i could ever see, there he was laying on he operating table, all the white coats around him, i begged for him to come back maybe not enough? Andrew stood beside me sobbing and i just sat down in the plastic chair, what was i suppose to do! I would have given him my every breath if i could have, would have taken his pain in less than a second! I opened my eyes and there i sat in my tub sobbing, yes this all flashed through my mind in a split second, it does very often!! Its nights like tonight that i never want to close my eyes again! I dont want to continuosly relive that pain everytime i do! Some days i just want to fall asleep and wake up with him in my arms! Why do i have to attempt to live through this when the simplest things are so damn hard?! I miss you kaden boy!!!!