That night..

So i just read the blog of another mother that lost her dughter and it was all about the night she came home from the hospital without her baby, i suppose she is my inspiration for this.
I suppose it was about 4 am when we finally left the hospital after hours of holding our limp,cold precious baby boy. Both of our famlies where there, all of our bestfriends, some missionaries and i am sure some other people i may be forgetting! We finally kissed him one last time and said our goodbye, we walked out the double doors to the picu and back through the er, we sat in my sisters van and i dont remember anyone saying anything, it was silent, what was there to say? Our world had just come crashing down around us!! We got to the house to be greated by the hemet pd, investigators, the sheriff, and a lady to take our blood to see if we where on drugs or had been drinking. Yes what a great thing to come home to after just loosing our son! I remember the house was quiet and very cold. The officers went up to the room to investigate, the woman began drawing our blood andrew tried to tell them that because his military career he couldnt do drugs, not that he would if he wasnt in, the woman was sooo rude and said she didnt care what he did, talking to him as if he had done something wrong, andrew was quick to reply she didnt need to be rude!! I was next as i laidon the couh zoning she made small talk but i didnt reply!! The next part could have possibly been the worst part of the whole ordeal i meam aside from the fact that kaden was dead! I was called into our bedroom where we had just spent a few short months after the dumb deployment being a family. Loving, cuddling , laughing, learning and all that came crashing down in a mAtter of hours!! The detective was a h.s. Friends father which almost made it harder. I walked into the bedroom and began to sob, i sat on the edge of the bed tryin to explain what i thought happened since i wasnt there, kadens things where all around me, pictures of him and our wedding day covered the wall a few leftover alcohol bottles where there from andrews bday in september but not where he could get them. Then the questions began why, why, why, what was he doing? Where was he sitting? And then the last one, the worst, do you think your husband did it on purpose?? I looked at he detective and began to bawl! Are you kidding me?? Andrew loves kaden more than life, he had just gotten home a few months prior and seeing the two of them together you never would have known he was gone!! They loved each other!! Now i know its protocal but it doesnt mean it doesnt completly devistate you when someone asks that! I was let go and andrew was next, iid imagine the things hey asked him where far worse and way more painful but i dont thInk i ever asked! They finger printed the room as we sat on the couch blank, when they came down and said they where done i wanted to run up there and grab everyhing of kadens but when i did i wwnt up to a messy bed, finger print dust everywhere, including the bed, window and sheets and Our rocking chair overturned! Really hemet pd?? After all wed been through you Now leave us to clean up your mess??? Wtf!! We did though, i asked andrew to come to bed with me but he couldnt, he slept on the couch that night and i did just as i wanted grabed all of kadens blankets, toys, and a few shirts and sobbed myself to sleep!! I wish i could have woken up to him being there instead of the pile!
The next morning brought the sick reality that it was real, he was gone and this is our life now. Andrew came to see me upstairs as i sobbed only to tell me one of the blankets i slept on had his poop all over it.... I couldnt help but laugh and sob! That night i had a dream that will stay with me forever, i had lost my sister in law melissa just 3 years prior, she was sick and had a lot of health issues,( i dont think ive ever told you this john so if you are reading i am sorry!!) well in my dream kaden And melissa where sitting in a room playing together! She looked up looked at me and smiled. It was like she was telling me she had him and it was okay!! That was the first dream i can remeber having of melissa! It was comfortig because i know she loved kids and wouldvr loved kaden! She is now watching over him in heaven!! i told andrew that since she couldnt have kids i was sure god gave her our little boy. That night is something ill never forget, it was the night my life changed forever.