Mothers day...minus one

Mothers day is tomorrow. I know its suppose to be a day celebrating mothers buuut, idk i am not so excited about it! I hate that virtually every holiday is ruined! It not that i cant be happy, its just hard! Most people will never know the pain hurt and confusion of the day to day of a mother who has lost a child but had a living one. I am in so much pain still from loosing kaden, my heart is broken and it hurts soooo much, but i look at lexie and feel an overwhelming sence of love and joy. She has brought to me a small piece of what was lost. Lexie gets me through the painful days with just a smile and silly giggle but it hurts so much because she looks so much like her brother!! So how do i go on celebrating being A mom when half my heart, my joy & my pride isnt here?! How??Was i even a good mom if i couldnt save kaden and take his pain?! I am not sure. I dont know how to do this without being so hurt! So where is the " how to be a mother again after loosing your child" book for dummies?? Everything else seems to have a manual why cant this?? I hope all you mothers of angels or living babies have a great mothers day, but i am just not sure how to!!!