oh man...Just an update..

Sometimes it's so hard to keep up with this thing. Trust me I have enough horrible feelings to probably write a novel for you but, I think I will spare everyone the depressing horribleness that would be! This past weekend has proven to be another tough one. I came into town (hemet)Friday because I wanted to see my mom, she had girly part surgery tuesday, she's okay though. My day ended up being busy, I came home and saw my mom, ran off to the bank, and then well the task that I was dreading, I had to go back to the mortuary to find out about Kadens death certificate. It is finished but we are just waiting for the certified copy, they finally had the cause, which is what we where needing to please the Navy, hopefully they will get off our backs now. the second I walked in the whole day of his funeral happened all over again in my head. The day before we had taken his GOD parents to have some alone time with him, we sat in the ugly orange room (seriously, who decorated that room?) and stared at our baby boy, in his white coffin, with his daddies blanket around him. It didnt even look like him, I mean it did but ya know how things change after someone passes on. I took care of what I needed and got the awesomely horrible question I think every grieving mother hates the "how your family doing?" followed by a pause, I think just in case you break down. Ahhh that drives me nuts! lol. So I handled business, but I must say that the people at Miller jones are amazing, and no not just because we know them all, they are a genuinely caring group of people that do amazing work. So a big THANK YOU to the people at miller jones for being great! Back to the story, handled my business and left,put lexie in her carseat and then sat down in the car and opened the papers to read what they said. I knew I would have to eventually pick up the stupid thing but it was a lot harder than I had expected! Seein on paper what had happened and what caused him to go was a little more than I needed. I broke down of course and cried the whole way to my sisters. The rest of the day was good, I hung out with my sister and silly niece, then my other sister and lexie's cuzzy Ryan, he's 2 weeks younger than her and watching them play is just the cutest!
The night was a tad rough. I wont go into details as I don't want to stir the pot any more but I just want to say that I wish some people could be a tad more understanding. When I say I am not ready to deal with something, don't question me, regardless of what other things I have going on in my life. When I am not ready it means simply that I am not ready. I may feel different tomorrow, maybe a little bit stronger later but trust me, this feeling will NEVER go away, looking at baby boys close to Kaden's age will always hurt, celebrating things I never got to with him (he passed 2 months before his first birthday, if anyone didnt know!)Lexie''s first birthday is going to be DIFFICULT,if we make it there, I wish people would understand that I have been going about my grieving process on my own for the past year and a half, I don't see a therapist, I rarely take my drugs, and I have been doing well, at least I think, I can manage the breakdowns, the pain and the tears, though some days it is a lot harder than others. I don't intend to ruin my well working process for anyone, I am sorry that sounds selfish but in order to be a functioning mother for my daughter I need to look out for myself, her and my husband first! All others will come after, if I have the energy! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sick of being questioned!!! Ok, so that's my schpeal for the day... hope everyone has a great memorial weekend, Lets not forget those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for us and those that are still fighting our wars, HOOYAH to you!! I am proud to call myself one of the lucky to be married to a real life hero, I LOVE YOU DC3 PEREZ, YOU MAKE ME SOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD!!!! <3