First time for everything..

I guess Ive finally taken everyones advice and decided to find some sort of outlet for my feelings. I am not a therapist type of person, Id rather not sit on a couch and face my heartache head on.Id rather be able to write it down and erase it if I want or save it and come back to the pain again when I feel like I am ready to revisit it. Id rather cry in the comfort of my kitchen by myself than to a complete stranger who asks continually how I am feeling, cause really, how do you think this situation makes me feel?! Dumb question. Anyways for now, I suppose this will be my try at self therapy. Dont expect it to make sense, my thoughts dont. Dont mind the lack of punctuation as my computer choses when it wants those buttons to work! No really it sucks. Ok so here it goes,

Im 22 almost 23. Ya know how when your a teenager you have so many dreams and aspirations for yourself, you think that your invinsible and you can do anything, you always have those silly adults tellin you to be careful because you arent as invinsible as you think,that at any second life could happen to you.Man up untill becoming a mother I never thought that was true. My dreams and aspirations always where to become a nurse at ST. Judes. Since about age 10 i knew thats what i wanted. I didnt try very hard to obtain my goal, as I slacked off in highschool, usually havin more fun then anything. I tried again at MSJC and well that didnt work out very well either.Life took me down a very diffrent road then I ever thought Id be down but I was happy so it was ok. Meeting (or I guess remeeting,since weve known each other since about my 6th grade year) Andrew was a turning, I never met a man that tried so hard despite my obvious rejection of his feelings. Andrew didnt give up on me when I was the bratty,stubborn girl (that everyone knows and loves of course!). Ive never felt so wanted, loved and cared about by the opposite sex. I loved him but didnt want to admit it because I was scared. Marrying Andrew was one of the best decisions ive ever made! Yes we moved fast and things where and still are rocky sometimes but is marriage not suppose to be the feeling of falling in love with someone over and over?Because I feel like that is what ours is. Obviously we where destin to be together, i think someone had a plan for us bigger than either of us could begin to fathom.

Finding out I was pregnant before we where married was def. a scary adventure. Yes i call it an adventure because thats what it turned out to be. Regardless of the negative feedback we recieved we where so ready to be parents! children are my calling and bein a mother young didnt scare me nearly as much as it scared others, I was so ready. Feb 26th 2009 we where blessed with one of the most amazingly precious little boys on the planet!he truely was an angel! Kaden was born while Andrew was on deployment, he was all mine for 4 1/2 months before Andrew met him. I know that more than anything Andrew would have given anything to be there from the begining but if it wherent for him being in the position he was we wouldnt have been able to provide for Kaden like we did. We where blessed to be able to give him any and everything he needed! Those 4 1/2 months I had with him where also a blessing. To watch him develop day by day was just amazing. Feeling his love and the joy that he radiated to everyone was just beautiful! As hard as it was to be without Andrew, I wouldnt change those months for anything . The day that Kaden and Andrew met is something ill never forget!Andrew loved (and of course still loves) Kaden more than anything and that was apparent from the moment he stepped off that boat! It was amazing to see Andrew step off that boat and step into being a father and do it so well. He is an amazing dad!

The months following Andrews return where kind of a rollercoaster. We had to go through adjusting to being a family, and unless youve been through a deployment you probably think im crazy for saying that but it is an adjustment to have to throw daddy into the mix and make him comfortable, baby comfortable and all while holdin on to my sanity! I think we did pretty well cause Andrew wanted to make up for as much lost time as he could. he wasnt afraid to change diapers, feed, bathe, anything .Not sayin we didnt have our ups and downs cause we did but it was fairly easy. Andrew got into a routine after he went back to work of coming home either right before or right after i feed Kaden and he would either take over feeding or clean up then hed take Kaden up stairs and give him a bath, play with him, read him a book and put him to bed! it was so cute to see the two of them interact.Kaden loved his daddy sooo much!! They acted as if they had never been seperated!

December 12th was the day that the harsh reality that i wasnt invincible to life hit me in the face. We lost him. How it happened isnt something that I want to talk about, it doesnt matter after all. Why is what I am struggling with. I love that boy with every fiber of my being and I always will. I often find myself askin what I did to deserve such pain but I guess what I should ask is what did I do to deserve those 9 months of such utter joy?..yet another question I struggle with.why did GOD think we are strong enough to live through this? can we live through this? is this all part of the master plan? Is there even a plan or is that somethin people just tell you to make you think he died for some sick purpose? What kind of sick person makes this a part of a master plan anyways? Im not sure thats the type of GOD i want to associate myself with, but then again, this so called GOD is also the one that gave me that beautiful boy..so im left confused hurt and angry, to say the least! This loss has left a hole in my family that is larger than anything I think any of us could have imagined or that we can even begin to try and repair! It hurts and I dont see it gettin better anytime soon...
My head hurts...ill continue the rambling tomorrow I suppose!