The litle things...

"I held him for a little while, made plans to watch him grow. We played each waking moment so he’d know I loved him so. I cherish all the tiny things that went unnoticed then. A special bond between us grew my little one, my friend. A place of honor he will have in my heart and in my home. It gives me strength and peace to know that he is not alone. I know that Jesus holds him close and tends his every need. Our child is safe in heaven; he holds a noble place indeed."

We where at the mall the other day Andrew, Lexie and I. We where looking for shoes for Andrew and went into payless, we stopped to look at shoes for Lexie and there sat the first pair of shoes I bought Kaden. I said " look babe, Kaden's shoes!" Andrew replied " yea those are the ones he's wearing in that picture of him that you like so much!" Yea, they where my favorite, he looked so cute in them. Well we continued shopping no big deal. We got to the car to leave and go to the NEX and an overwhelming feeling hit me, I didn't know what it was but it was like a serious anxiety. It was hard to breath I felt like I could have started bawling any second, but I didn't really get why, so I just started taking deep breaths and tried to stay calm. I told Andrew what I was feeling and he of course offered to pull over and tried to get to the bottom of my feelings, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what I was feeling. All I knew was it was overwhelming. It stuck with me almost the whole rest of the night. I didn't dawn on me untill the next day that it was the shoes. It's those little things in life that seem to be smacking me in the face and making me miss him so much. I wasn't even really thinking about it, we went to get out of the car to go grocery shopping at Henrys and I told Andrew " ya know I think it was the shoes that set me off yesterday!" How silly that something so small and yet so relevant can bring on such strong feelings! I hate that I can't say "remember how cute he looked in these!" and be happy, it has to be a sad feeling. Sometimes the little things do make me smile, but Ive been finding lately that it's all going back to an overwhelming sense of pain. Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward in my grieving process just to take a few back.

Shoes...who would have thought they could have set me off like that. Today is def.
one of those days.. :\

gone..but still here!

Yes,he's gone but in so many ways kaden is still here. He lives in so many peoples hearts and spirits and its my hope he will never be forgotten. Something I deal with on a daily basis is the question "is she your first?" Some days its hard and other days not! Of course I NEVER shy away from proudly peooclaiming I also have an almost two year old little boy. Although there is that little bit of hurt I could never answer yes and pretend he was never here. Today was a bit much, I went to wic & had to do a dumb class, they of course ask everyone what number child this is and all that of course I tell them about kaden, not that he has passed or anything though, I get into a conversation with the girl next to me who has a two month old and a toddler that was almost exactly a month older then kaden, she is going on and on about how tuff it is expecting me to sympathize and of course I swallow my pain and act like I know every thing she is going through, actually wishing I could relate to the sleepless nights with the two of them. I didn't tell her because 1. Welll I was just making conversation with the girl I didn't need to tell her my life story 2. How awkward is that? "Hi my name is sarah this is my daughter lexie and I have a son that's wouldve been 2 soon but he passed away?" I mean really I don't want to open that can of worms for myself either with the why's and explanation, even though I probably wouldn't have really explained it! I think of him everyday,morning,noon and night, it never ends, no matter what I am doing! I always see something that reminds me of him or a baby that llooks like him, or something lexie does that is just like him. Its never ending! I've noticed that since being on the zoloft I've had very few breakdowns. I guess its good but sometimes I feel bad for being ok, like I should be upset but I can't be! Its almost like a fake happy though,like a pill induced happiness! I guess that kinda sounds bad, I don't mean it to sound like iam not happy with lexie and andrew because I very much am, there's just a piece of me missing and it can kill the happiness in a split second when it comes out! I hope he is proud of me for continuing to live because he is the reason I am going! It sucks beyond believe that he is gone but I will keep on living forr him & I can only hope his mommy makes him proud!! I <3 you kaden!

i wonder..

Sometimes how life would be with a 3 month old & an almost 2 year old! I get to watch all the Funny things my friends kids do and I can only imagine what kaden would look like,sound like, walk like! Lord how I would love to hear him say "mommy"! His birthday is comin u next month & I am not looking forward to it! I remember last year when we went and we both just sobbed! Not ready for that. We have the 3 collages that my two nephews & niece made for the funeral hanging in our stair way, I stopped the other day while holding lex and was talking to her about her brother,she just stared at his pictures, I wonder if she knows him?I can only hope he is with her daily! Soetimes I wonder when she stairs off into space smiling if she's looking at him. One can only hope right?! I have been thinking a lot lately about someone I know who has lost a loved one, they drew closer to GOD and are lliving through his word. I wonder how people do that! How are yyou not angry at god for taking your loved one? Why can't I get to that point? I miss my boy & wish he could be here to cuddle with me & lexie! :\