It's been a while..
I started my blog a long time ago and haven't been back to it since. I did it with the intention of letting everyone in on what it was like to be a grieving mother, I think, not that I am like a pro at it or anything but I think this will really help me along my journey of getting better....Life has been crazy to say the least since my first blog. I guess I'll just let it all out.
Well in april I was only 3 months pregnant. Pregnancy was hard. I was beyond overjoyed with the blessing of Lexie but I didn't know if I could look at her and not miss Kaden or wish she was him. I was afraid that she would look so much like him it would hurt to look at her and have to be with her everyday. I had some real fears, I had a few good break downs that only Andrew saw. It was hard to even think of not loving lexie, I Knew I loved her it was just hard to come to terms with having to love a baby that wasnt going to be Kaden. I know that sounds crazy but it was what I was going through.
Lexie was born on the 5th of October 2010 @ 12:10 am. It was a very bittersweet moment for all of us I think. We where so happy to have her here yet again reminded of the pain of missing Kaden. She is perfect. We love her just as much as we love Kaden. My fears where def. put to rest quickly. I looked at her and thanked GOD and Kaden for blessing us with her. She looks like her bother a lot and I am okay with it. It reminds me of his adorableness. The first few weeks where hard, Kaden was a VERY easy going baby he hardly cried and was always happy, I didn't have to hold him all the time, he was a very independant child. Lexie on the other hand wanted to be held and fed 24/7 it was REALLY frustrating. I couldn't handle the 24/7 crying when she wasn't being held and wanting to breast feed all the time. It was quickly wearing on my emotions and I know I took some of that out on Andrew and I shouldn't have. She is doing a lot better now. She doesn't need to be held 24/7 and with feeding her formula I am getting a bit more freedom.
I had my 6 week appointment last week and the dr. gave me a rx for an antidepressant. I was okay untill she started going through their little questionare and I completely lost it. We sat and talked for a little while and she decided that I would benefit from it. I've been on them for a week now and Andrew says I seem happier and less stressed...I dunno, I guess I do a little bit. She was also suppose to refer me to mental health to talk to a social worker to help me get into grieving groups and get me out of the house, so I suppose Ill be hearing from one soon? I am not sure. It's a hard thing to take when someone tells you that you NEED help. Everyone keeps saying that I do but i dunno I think I have been doing pretty well on my own. Sure I have my moments but I am pretty composed most of the time, even when I Want to loose it. I guess it wont hurt to talk to someone though, so what the hell, right?!
We just had thanksgiving. It was a good day. I love it sooo much when my whole family gets together ( i miss monday night dinners). It always turns into so much fun. It was a hard day, I had a few moments of wishing Kaden was there. Of course I missed him all day. I could tell Andrew was having a hard day but he wouldn't really say it. Sometimes I worry about him, he hides his feelings just as well as I do. I guess we're both just kinda stubborn like that. It's almost December which means that it's almost been a year since we lost Kaden. oye. I dunno how we are going to make it through that day and then christmas. It's going to be hell I can say that much for sure. I am not looking forward to it. I know Andrew isn't either. The holidays I think have been kind of ruined for us, but we both agreed that no matter how bad we are hurting this christmas or 10 years from now, we want to be sure that lexie has a good christmas. We need to make it about remembering Kaden and not drowning in our sorrow, that isn't really fair to her.
Just some thoughts for today I guess..
