i dont understand....

Ok or maybe I do just a little. I am in a grieving mothers group on cafemom, it is a quiet group for the most part. People generally only post when they are having a bad day,new to the group or their childs angelverssary is coming up. There is hardly 20 active members. Well the other day someone asked to see pictures of peoples children who have passed away. There was an array of pictures posted a couple of toddlers, a few still borns and mostly preemies that where born in the 20 week area. Now I get why parents have those pictures they are your babies they are beautiful to you no matter what but I find it a little morbid & stomach turning to be posting them on the internet. I don't enjoy looking at children in coffins or 20 week old babies, it breaks my heart! We opted out of having any pictuures of kaden because we don't need physical reminders of him in the coffin, mental pictures are good enough! We do have pictures of his coffin in the book that was made but only because everyone signed it!! Idk on one hand I get that if your child was born early those are the only pictures you have and that is important to you but on the other I don't think those are things that need to be shared with the world.

christmas..

Well another day passed. It was a good day. I love nothing more then spendin a day with my loud, crazy family! All 19 of us gathered @ my moms house. My sister made her traditional cinnamon rolls, yum! I woke up @ 10 and thought for a few min what it would be like having our almost 2 year old kaden runnin around!! How much fun that would be!! I can only imagine what a chunk he'd be and how adorable too. Christmas would've been soooo much fun this year if he was here! Man I miss him. Lexie got soooo much stuff, tons of cute clothes & fun new toys! I got stuff to crochet & make cupcakes as those are my nee ventures & andrew got a food processor (from me,woot I score!) Clothes,a hat, bbbq stuff we got tv trays & tickets to a padres game with loren,john, molly, rex & becky! It will be so much fun! We got spoiled for sure!!even if we got nothing it would have been a great day. I was surrounded by the people I love most & that is all that matters! We are goin back to sd tomorrow after an all too short 17 days leave!thanks to everyone that has helped. Us throught this rough time. We want nothing more tha n to have our baby boyy here with us but the love everyone has given has made it hurt just a tad less. We are blessed to have such amazing people in our lives!!

"IF"

Andrew I and where talking the other day about life, how things changed & what not and I asked him if he ever thought about Lexie not making it. I know I do all the time. Though I may say "oh when lexie gets older" and thing like that I am always thinking "IF". I know it seems like kind of a shitty way to look at things but it is something that I think both Andrew and I think about. Let me try to explain. Neither of us ever thought we would loose Kaden, it's not something you go through life worrying about really. I think the day we lost him and the months after where a huge eye opener to just how precious life is. That no matter how you live your life (because Id like to think of me and andrew as pretty good people) That shit can and will happen beyond what you ever thought it could. I don't want to loose lexie and I think everyone knows that, it's just a realization that I had that not every day is a guarantee, that shit can and does go wrong and no matter what we do to prevent things it is GOD's will and we just have to let it be done no matter how F**ked up it is. I love lexie with all my heart and i think if I lost her, I wouldn't make it. I often think that she is the reason I kept myself so sane the past year. But I am rambling, back to the subject at hand. In the midst of our discussion I made the comment to Andrew that it sucked that we had to live everyday thinking "IF" this happens and "if" that happens. I don't know that "NORMAL" (and by normal I am talking about parents that have lost a child) parents don't really have that fear about their children. Sure watching me and andrew go through hell will make you sit back and think, but no one,unless they have been in our shoes will know the real pain of living each day thinking, "what if there is no tomorrow?" It is all too real to us that tomorrow may not come and that with everyday that passes we are truly grateful & blessed. Did any of this make sense? I am so not sure. Sometimes it's hard to put down the things that float through my head.

I made it...sort of

Well we made it through the 12th alive. It was a difficult day, I didn't want to get out of bed laying there with lexie made it all hurt a tad less. The morning was the hardest, both andrew and I had break down. Mine happened after reading a comment one of my bestfriends left on my fb(yeah thanks bri!lol) but it happened while andrew wasn't in the room and andrews while talking to his dad. I guess I was easily destracted that day because my nieces where also staying at my moms and well if you have met emily you know she requires some attention!lol. We took a walk to walmart and did a few other random things, it was nice to get out of the house,kaden gave us a beautiful day!!
I was seriously overwhelmed with the love and support we got from our friends. Everyone posted sooo many pictures on our FB's of the candles they lit for our boy. His light sure did shine bright that night and I was sooo happy!! We had everyone that came over( and by everyone I mean both mine and andrews family and our closest friends) bring a toy to donate to Moreno valley hospital (which is where our sweet boy passed)! We have a couch full! We know some great people and I am so happy to share some of kadens joy with other little kids.
I can't believe it has been a whole year already!! I miss that boy so much! I don't have as many break downs (hooray for antidepressants!!lol) but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. There is no pill strong enough for this pain!! I look @ lex and see him and miss him more. I wonder what he'd be doing now, what he'd look like, and just how funny he would be! It hurts and yet I think if he where here we wouldn't have lexie... this is such a doubled edged sword (is that how that saying goes???lol) .
I do want to say that I am soooo blessed and sooooo thankful for all the supportive people I have in my life! Lord knows if it weren't for my husband,my family,and friends, id be god knows where right now!! Thank you everyone for the love and support you have given the past year! Lord knows it was hard and iam not looking forward to continuing my life without my boy here in the flesh but he also knows I can't wait to be with him again in heaven!! <3

late nightt rambles...

well first off let me say iam typing this from my phone so please excuse any typos or any sort of madness that doesnt make sense. I was laying here thinking of upcoming thing in our life and how im going to cope and all these things. if you didn't know Kadens one year angelverssary(a stupid term that i learned from other grieving parents) is coming up on the 12th. a whole freaking year already. i never thought id make it. with that in mind i was contemplating how much i love my kids and had the thought how is it possible to love them both soooo much and yet be in so much pain??? i dont quiet understand that. i look @ lexie and my heart just smiles but then the back of my head says "man she reminds me of kaden, i miss him"i just don't get it!!! why does it have to be this way??i can close my eyes and so very easily picture kaden,his smile,hear his laugh and his scream. the other night i swear i heard him crying!! i know it wasnt lex cause she was asleep next to me, it was sooooo weird!!well its almost midnight..lex will be waking up soon to eat i am sure and luckily iam getting sleepy,maybe ill get some good sleep tonight? doubt it !! oh howi wish i could get a full night sleep!!*sigh* untill next time <3