Unexpected..

I was talking with my mom today about life and how unexpected it is. It got me thinking about just how unexpexted my life is! I never expected to get out of a certain relationship, but i did. I never expected to find some one to love me, respect me and be not only my bestfriend but my husband! I never expected to marry a man in the service but GOD know i could not be happier or more proud of my husband!! I never thought id have kids young, i wanted to wait to start at least till i was 26 but there where other plans and ive been blessed with two beautiful amazing children!! Never did i expect to have my heart broken the night i lost my baby boy and i never thought id be okay again!! But as the unexpected things in life would have it i have unexpectedly become one of the happiest people!! Every night that i lay down next to my amazing husband and beautiful little girl and talk to my angel i find myself unexpectedly over come with joy! Throuh the pain there comes unexpected happiness!! No matter how much we plan life will happen, unexpectedly, and as much as it hurts daily i am happy with my unexpected life!! <3

I love you andrew,kaden & lexie!!!

Happy birthday baby boy...

Today my sweet boy turns two!! I cant believe it! I can remember the day that i had him and how in love i was the second i saw him!!he was perfect!!! He was the best baby, never cried, very cuddly and looked just like his daddy!i was and of coursr still am very lucky to be his mommy!! I hate that we have to celebrAte today without him physically here,Its so unfair. I know i say it all the time but i wish i could just hug him again!! I wish i could get rid of this ache in my arms and heart!! I wish i feel like i could be a good mom to lexie but sometimes i feel like she isnt getting All of me like she should. I miss him sooooo much!! Happy birthday to one of the worlds most beautiful angels!! Mommy ajd daddy love you and miss you sooooooo bad!!! (so does the rest of the family!!)watch over us i need you now more than ever!!!xoxoxox

Andrew..

well in the spirit of valentines day being yesterday I suppose I will write about my love today..

I've been told so many times that people didn't know how me and Andrew have made it through this heartache. It has def. been the hardest most trying time in our marriage but I cannot imagine not being with him. He is simply the only person that knows how bad my heart aches! He knows how I feel without me having to say anything. Simply a look and he knows! I wasn't there when Kaden's accident happened and Andrew was. I don't and NEVER will blame Andrew for what happened. it was one thing, an accident, I know that Andrew would give his life to have been able to react 2 seconds faster! I know it's something that haunts him on a daily basis and I don't want to contribute to all the pain I already know he is feeling! I know he blames himself, I know that he hates what happened, I want to be the one that he can turn to just like he is for me! I mean I have so many people that are there for me and I appreciate it all so much but like I said Andrew is the only person that gets it 110% ! My love for Andrew hasn't changed one bit, if anything it has grown!! I can remember sobbing in the hospital sitting on the floor with me, like I've said so many times it is all ingrained in my head like it just happened!! It makes me sick sometimes but it's the reality of the situation. I love Andrew, I will always love Andrew and no matter what anyone says he will always be the one I turn to in my time of need (well him and maybe my mom! lol)!! Andrew was an awesome daddy to Kaden and is an awesome daddy to Lexie, I am truly blessed to have such an amazing man in my life!!! I LOVE YOU ANDREW ROBERT!!!! <3 <3

newness..

Well, if you read my FB I am sure you saw, yesterday after waiting a year and 2 months we finally got Kadens cause of death back so his death certificate can be finished! It's not like we didn't already know what it was, I mean it was pretty obvious, but I guess they gotta do what they gotta do right?! I feel like every time I begin to make progress I get pushed back into this slump. I haven't been on my antidepressants for almost a week because the stupid biotches at the pharmacy!It's been a rough week, I've been overly emotional. Sometimes I hate the feeling that they give me of numbness but then when I don't take them I remember what it's like to feel this constant pain. I go back to feeling oddly normal. I was okay when I was on the phone with Kim from the mortuary. Once I got off and looked over to see a picture of his smiling face I lost it. I miss my boy so much everyday. I look at Lexie and her smile makes me miss him more. I wish I could say more than just I miss him. But it's all I can think of. Well a new chapter is going to begin soon. I have finally decided to go back to school. I am going to be starting hopefully in the fall. I will be finishing my AA, I only have a few classes left, and will continue on to get my Bachelors in Social Work. I know sounds like scary stuff because of the field but I honestly think that it will help me along. I want to be able to help people that have been where I am and do something productive.I love being a stay at home mom but I dont think I can do it forever! Sorry this blog isn't very exciting, guess being in my slum has kinda taken it's toll on this too. Hopefully there will be more soon.