9 months and lots of pain..

I should have done this the other day but I figured the longer I put it off the less I had to feel. I was wrong. My crazy little girl hit her 9 month mark on the 5th...I knew it was going to be hard, & I know 10 months will be even harder. Kaden passed away 14 days before he was 10 months. I love my girl, she is funny, cute, stubborn, pretty much everything that Kaden is. It hurts everyday, watching her get older. I was talking to someone the other day about all of this, I look forward to everday that I have with Lexie and I would never take it for granted but I am scared, everyday that passes I am more and more scared of loosing her. Loosing Kaden has made me feel like I will never be able to keep any of my kids. Maybe I did something wrong and GOD doesnt think I am worthy of them, I don't know but my biggest fear is loosing Lexie. I am glad we have made it this far though, it has been a hard 9 months.

I've been pretty emotional lately. This past week a 2 year old little boy fell from a 2nd story window on our street, for those that didn't know, yes that's what happened to Kaden. He fell, Andrew tried to catch him but couldn't react in time.The news of this little boy falling hit me harder than I was at first willing to admit, thank GOD he is perfectly okay, just a little black eye. But it left me wondering WHY Kaden? Why did Kaden have to die and this little boy walked away okay?! Not saying that I wanted anything bad to happen to him because lord knows I certainly didn't, I just don't get why Kaden couldn't be so lucky, it's not fair.
I thought that as time goes by I am suppose to be better, It's been over a year and a half and I still hurt like it happened yesterday. I wish I could feel normal, I wish I didn't hurt everyday & every time I see a new little boy.I want to be able to be happy for my friends when they have little boys and not just cry and go back into that slum I can never seem to get out of. Why can't I be normal? I want my old life back, this one hurts too much!!