long time no talk...

It's been a bit, life has been crazy, it's hard to keep up. Andrew deployed in November for his last deployment in the Navy,he'll be back in May. He gets out in November of this year,Kind of scary but exciting. He is planning on (and working very hard at) getting a job with the federal fire department on base on 32nd street. Hopefully it works out. Lexie and I moved back in with my mama to save money, it's going well, Lexie LOVES her Nana & Uncle Loren. It's really great to be back home. We will all stay here probably until next summer when Andrew is settled in his job and we are financially ready. Lexie has grown sooo much. She has brought so much joy to us the past year and few months. She is beautiful beyond measure, she is smart and soooo much fun. She talks like crazy and learns so quickly. She can sigh quiet a few things which is helpful in understanding what she wants. She is so cute, every time she sees a picture of Kaden, she says "BUBBA!" how adorable. She even pointed at this one spot on the ceiling and says "bubba, bubba!". So weird but I hope more than anything that she really does see him, because not getting to watch my babies is one of the most hurtful things on the planet. :\ I am doing okay too. Going to school to get my BA in social work, so I can hopefully work in a children's hospice center. I want to be able to help families that are going through the situation I have. I know it will be hard at first but being able to help another mother cope with the things I have, I think would help me with my journey too. Things are going so well but I still miss my sweet baby boy. I always wonder what he would be like and how things would be having both him and lexie. It would be some type of crazyness that I wish I could have experienced. I hope one day we really do get to be with our bub again. I guess that's all the update I have for Now! :)

little update..

WOW! it's been a while since I've blogged! Life has been so friggin busy. Here is a little update..
Lexie turned one the 5th of October.What a bitter sweet day that was. I was so happy to finally get to celebrate but it was hard knowing that I never got to do that with my boy. I cried that morning but powered through it and made the day as great as I could for Lexie! It was great! We recently moved back to Hemet with my mom because andrew deployed 2 weeks ago. It sucks so much without him here but luckily this deployment has been so much different and I have talked to him twice everyday. It's been really good for lexie but she still misses him, she called me dad all day yesterday!! I am glad that I have friends and family to keep me busy and help me out when I need it. Lexie started puking last night when we got home from Nicki and Anthonys...that sucked and she did again a few hours ago when I left her for a few min. It's been a rough 2days thats for sure. I am still going to school but have hit a few road bumps. I have 7 classes to take to finish my AA ( I thought i was just 3 or 4!) then i can I can begin my bachelors and become a social worker maybe a few years after gaining experience in the field I will go back and get my masters but we will see!! School is kicking my butt for now. Andrew gets out of the navy in november of 2012. That gives me anxiety to say.lol He is hoping to get a job as a federal firefigher (so cross your fingers all works out!!) it will be great to have him home more often!I guess that's all I have to report for now...nothing super exciting is happening but deployment just started so I am sure there is more madness to come!! lol.

9 months and lots of pain..

I should have done this the other day but I figured the longer I put it off the less I had to feel. I was wrong. My crazy little girl hit her 9 month mark on the 5th...I knew it was going to be hard, & I know 10 months will be even harder. Kaden passed away 14 days before he was 10 months. I love my girl, she is funny, cute, stubborn, pretty much everything that Kaden is. It hurts everyday, watching her get older. I was talking to someone the other day about all of this, I look forward to everday that I have with Lexie and I would never take it for granted but I am scared, everyday that passes I am more and more scared of loosing her. Loosing Kaden has made me feel like I will never be able to keep any of my kids. Maybe I did something wrong and GOD doesnt think I am worthy of them, I don't know but my biggest fear is loosing Lexie. I am glad we have made it this far though, it has been a hard 9 months.

I've been pretty emotional lately. This past week a 2 year old little boy fell from a 2nd story window on our street, for those that didn't know, yes that's what happened to Kaden. He fell, Andrew tried to catch him but couldn't react in time.The news of this little boy falling hit me harder than I was at first willing to admit, thank GOD he is perfectly okay, just a little black eye. But it left me wondering WHY Kaden? Why did Kaden have to die and this little boy walked away okay?! Not saying that I wanted anything bad to happen to him because lord knows I certainly didn't, I just don't get why Kaden couldn't be so lucky, it's not fair.
I thought that as time goes by I am suppose to be better, It's been over a year and a half and I still hurt like it happened yesterday. I wish I could feel normal, I wish I didn't hurt everyday & every time I see a new little boy.I want to be able to be happy for my friends when they have little boys and not just cry and go back into that slum I can never seem to get out of. Why can't I be normal? I want my old life back, this one hurts too much!!

Foot meet mouth...

So my last post I kinda of went on a rant, I was upset & hurt. I NEVER in my life though wish my pain and hurt on anyone. Truth is I had gotten in a little argument with my sister in law. I said somethings that where so unnecessary, and now, I feel horrible. My sister in law Erin lost her husband STeven sunday June 5th after he was in a motorcycle accident. I hadn't spoken to Erin since the night we had our little disagreement. I FEEL HORRIBLE!! I have never wanted to kick my ass more in my life.Steven was an amazing man, he left behind Erin and his two beautiful boys Bryce who is 3 and Jake who is 1. No matter what type of disagreement we got into I never wanted Erin to get hurt, I can't believe this happened and it still seems so unreal. Steven was so full of life and so happy. Those days when you didnt want to smile, He would have you laughing your butt off! He was so passionate about his work and everything he did. He loved Erin and his boys beyond belief! He was,is a great man!! My heart hurts for Erin, I wish I could carry her pain I have somehow made it through this pain of loosing Kaden I wish I could hold her pain for her. I hate that I said such a stupid thing. Foot meet mouth...

oh man...Just an update..

Sometimes it's so hard to keep up with this thing. Trust me I have enough horrible feelings to probably write a novel for you but, I think I will spare everyone the depressing horribleness that would be! This past weekend has proven to be another tough one. I came into town (hemet)Friday because I wanted to see my mom, she had girly part surgery tuesday, she's okay though. My day ended up being busy, I came home and saw my mom, ran off to the bank, and then well the task that I was dreading, I had to go back to the mortuary to find out about Kadens death certificate. It is finished but we are just waiting for the certified copy, they finally had the cause, which is what we where needing to please the Navy, hopefully they will get off our backs now. the second I walked in the whole day of his funeral happened all over again in my head. The day before we had taken his GOD parents to have some alone time with him, we sat in the ugly orange room (seriously, who decorated that room?) and stared at our baby boy, in his white coffin, with his daddies blanket around him. It didnt even look like him, I mean it did but ya know how things change after someone passes on. I took care of what I needed and got the awesomely horrible question I think every grieving mother hates the "how your family doing?" followed by a pause, I think just in case you break down. Ahhh that drives me nuts! lol. So I handled business, but I must say that the people at Miller jones are amazing, and no not just because we know them all, they are a genuinely caring group of people that do amazing work. So a big THANK YOU to the people at miller jones for being great! Back to the story, handled my business and left,put lexie in her carseat and then sat down in the car and opened the papers to read what they said. I knew I would have to eventually pick up the stupid thing but it was a lot harder than I had expected! Seein on paper what had happened and what caused him to go was a little more than I needed. I broke down of course and cried the whole way to my sisters. The rest of the day was good, I hung out with my sister and silly niece, then my other sister and lexie's cuzzy Ryan, he's 2 weeks younger than her and watching them play is just the cutest!
The night was a tad rough. I wont go into details as I don't want to stir the pot any more but I just want to say that I wish some people could be a tad more understanding. When I say I am not ready to deal with something, don't question me, regardless of what other things I have going on in my life. When I am not ready it means simply that I am not ready. I may feel different tomorrow, maybe a little bit stronger later but trust me, this feeling will NEVER go away, looking at baby boys close to Kaden's age will always hurt, celebrating things I never got to with him (he passed 2 months before his first birthday, if anyone didnt know!)Lexie''s first birthday is going to be DIFFICULT,if we make it there, I wish people would understand that I have been going about my grieving process on my own for the past year and a half, I don't see a therapist, I rarely take my drugs, and I have been doing well, at least I think, I can manage the breakdowns, the pain and the tears, though some days it is a lot harder than others. I don't intend to ruin my well working process for anyone, I am sorry that sounds selfish but in order to be a functioning mother for my daughter I need to look out for myself, her and my husband first! All others will come after, if I have the energy! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I am sick of being questioned!!! Ok, so that's my schpeal for the day... hope everyone has a great memorial weekend, Lets not forget those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for us and those that are still fighting our wars, HOOYAH to you!! I am proud to call myself one of the lucky to be married to a real life hero, I LOVE YOU DC3 PEREZ, YOU MAKE ME SOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD!!!! <3

Mothers day...minus one

Mothers day is tomorrow. I know its suppose to be a day celebrating mothers buuut, idk i am not so excited about it! I hate that virtually every holiday is ruined! It not that i cant be happy, its just hard! Most people will never know the pain hurt and confusion of the day to day of a mother who has lost a child but had a living one. I am in so much pain still from loosing kaden, my heart is broken and it hurts soooo much, but i look at lexie and feel an overwhelming sence of love and joy. She has brought to me a small piece of what was lost. Lexie gets me through the painful days with just a smile and silly giggle but it hurts so much because she looks so much like her brother!! So how do i go on celebrating being A mom when half my heart, my joy & my pride isnt here?! How??Was i even a good mom if i couldnt save kaden and take his pain?! I am not sure. I dont know how to do this without being so hurt! So where is the " how to be a mother again after loosing your child" book for dummies?? Everything else seems to have a manual why cant this?? I hope all you mothers of angels or living babies have a great mothers day, but i am just not sure how to!!!

That night..

So i just read the blog of another mother that lost her dughter and it was all about the night she came home from the hospital without her baby, i suppose she is my inspiration for this.
I suppose it was about 4 am when we finally left the hospital after hours of holding our limp,cold precious baby boy. Both of our famlies where there, all of our bestfriends, some missionaries and i am sure some other people i may be forgetting! We finally kissed him one last time and said our goodbye, we walked out the double doors to the picu and back through the er, we sat in my sisters van and i dont remember anyone saying anything, it was silent, what was there to say? Our world had just come crashing down around us!! We got to the house to be greated by the hemet pd, investigators, the sheriff, and a lady to take our blood to see if we where on drugs or had been drinking. Yes what a great thing to come home to after just loosing our son! I remember the house was quiet and very cold. The officers went up to the room to investigate, the woman began drawing our blood andrew tried to tell them that because his military career he couldnt do drugs, not that he would if he wasnt in, the woman was sooo rude and said she didnt care what he did, talking to him as if he had done something wrong, andrew was quick to reply she didnt need to be rude!! I was next as i laidon the couh zoning she made small talk but i didnt reply!! The next part could have possibly been the worst part of the whole ordeal i meam aside from the fact that kaden was dead! I was called into our bedroom where we had just spent a few short months after the dumb deployment being a family. Loving, cuddling , laughing, learning and all that came crashing down in a mAtter of hours!! The detective was a h.s. Friends father which almost made it harder. I walked into the bedroom and began to sob, i sat on the edge of the bed tryin to explain what i thought happened since i wasnt there, kadens things where all around me, pictures of him and our wedding day covered the wall a few leftover alcohol bottles where there from andrews bday in september but not where he could get them. Then the questions began why, why, why, what was he doing? Where was he sitting? And then the last one, the worst, do you think your husband did it on purpose?? I looked at he detective and began to bawl! Are you kidding me?? Andrew loves kaden more than life, he had just gotten home a few months prior and seeing the two of them together you never would have known he was gone!! They loved each other!! Now i know its protocal but it doesnt mean it doesnt completly devistate you when someone asks that! I was let go and andrew was next, iid imagine the things hey asked him where far worse and way more painful but i dont thInk i ever asked! They finger printed the room as we sat on the couch blank, when they came down and said they where done i wanted to run up there and grab everyhing of kadens but when i did i wwnt up to a messy bed, finger print dust everywhere, including the bed, window and sheets and Our rocking chair overturned! Really hemet pd?? After all wed been through you Now leave us to clean up your mess??? Wtf!! We did though, i asked andrew to come to bed with me but he couldnt, he slept on the couch that night and i did just as i wanted grabed all of kadens blankets, toys, and a few shirts and sobbed myself to sleep!! I wish i could have woken up to him being there instead of the pile!
The next morning brought the sick reality that it was real, he was gone and this is our life now. Andrew came to see me upstairs as i sobbed only to tell me one of the blankets i slept on had his poop all over it.... I couldnt help but laugh and sob! That night i had a dream that will stay with me forever, i had lost my sister in law melissa just 3 years prior, she was sick and had a lot of health issues,( i dont think ive ever told you this john so if you are reading i am sorry!!) well in my dream kaden And melissa where sitting in a room playing together! She looked up looked at me and smiled. It was like she was telling me she had him and it was okay!! That was the first dream i can remeber having of melissa! It was comfortig because i know she loved kids and wouldvr loved kaden! She is now watching over him in heaven!! i told andrew that since she couldnt have kids i was sure god gave her our little boy. That night is something ill never forget, it was the night my life changed forever.